Big Boob Problems
By Bronwyn O’Neill
Big boobs are great, I hear you cry in disdain. “I wish my boobs were that size!” Really? I’m here to tell you that you certainly do not want to be a busty girl. Here are my top ten reasons why having big boobs is a serious burden.
1. Eye contact
My eyes are up here you creep. Even if you’re wearing a polo neck, everyone is going to stare at them.
If you’re like me and cannot pull off a bikini body, then you have no way of wearing a one-piece. Your boobs have no support and are frankly horrible. Woe is me!
Running is a big no. You can’t do it because you’re terrified of giving yourself a black eye. So you’re pretty much stuck with being fat. Great! Even going downstairs is a struggle, hold onto them if you want to be safe.
4. Sports bras
In case you look at number 3 and say “BUY A SPORTS BRA!” Well I can’t if I want to breathe. And I’d prefer to breathe than be skinny. Sports bras are physically impossible to buy in the right size. It’s like wearing a corset!
5. Going braless
Simply not an option. I’m sorry, but it cannot be done. Unless you wish to cause injuries to yourself and people around you.
Food will fall down your top and find a new home in your cleavage. There is nothing worse than having to root for that pesky popcorn at the cinema. Well, perhaps when you take your bra off and find it there. Ew.
7. Quad boob
So you get a bra! YAY! However, the bra squeezes your boobs so tight that it makes it look like you actually have four breasts. Great! So, you keep having to readjust your bra and look like a complete twat.
Oh you like button up shirts? No you do not. You can’t wear them without the fear of them exploding at any moment. You can’t wear any low cut top because your breasts physically assault people. Great! Not to mention wearing any kind of strapless dress is out of the question.
9. Bra choice
Go into Penneys and they promise they have cup sizes DD-F. Sure they do. In about three bras and they probably won’t have anything your precise size. So a bra for under €20 is off the table. So you tottle over to a more expensive shop to spend over €30 on a nude bra that looks like something an OAP would wear. Sigh.
10. Back Pain
It’s like you’re eighty not eighteen. You bend over to pick up something on the floor and you might as well just lie down there and die. Even if you sit down wrong it hurts. Add period cramps into this and you’re basically the anti- Christ to anyone who tries to speak to you.
With all that being said, I don’t think I’d change them for the world.
Small Boob Problems
by Laura Horan
Anyone with small boobs will understand the daily struggle of not waking up to a pair of beautiful big breasts!! Here are just some of the many problems with small boobs that busty girls just don’t understand.
1. Small boobs can make you feel so masculine!! Sometimes I wonder if I went swimming in a pair of boys trunks and topless would anyone notice that I am actually a woman. I might as well go the gym and build big muscles and tell people I’m a man!
2. The pain we go through from wearing tight bras is unbelievable! I want to wear my new low cut top without people making the mistake of thinking my chest is an ironing board! So I wear a smaller size bra and tighten the straps to make some sort of cleavage and later discover I have sore red lines all over my back and shoulders… not nice.
3. I don’t think clothing manufacturers understand that small breasted woman wear sports bras too and that it also hurts us when were jogging. Every sports bra I have tried does not support my boobies- small boobs need support also!
4. When you have small boobs and you start to gain weight on your stomach you can look so much bigger then what you really are because your boobs don’t go over your stomach! You feel like you need to lose weight when really you’re a perfectly normal size.
5. The awkward moment when your partner tries to squeeze your boobs and he’s struggling to get a grip because there’s nothing there to grab… PLEASE STOP!
6. When your friend’s boobs are so much bigger than yours and it’s selfie time but their boobs take over the picture and you can barely see you in it.
7. Constantly getting called `no tits` `pancake boobs` or what my little cousin calls me `golf ball boobs`. Yes fun times…
8. The constant problem of going into a shop and seeing a beautiful dress then picking it up and realising it’s backless. For me, the thought of going braless scares me to death!! All I can think about is everyone staring and judging my small boobs! No thank you, I’ll pass on that.
9. BIKINIS! Firstly why can you not change bottom and top sizes in most shops! Sorry my small boobs don’t match my big bum but do you really have to call the manager because I’m trying to buy a size 6 bra with a size 12 bottoms!! Secondly, why is there not a selection of padded bikinis ranging from slightly padded to extremely padded? There’s only no padding or maxi padding. No padding: everyone stares at my flat chest. Maxi padding: everyone stares at my extremely padded breasts thinking `who is she trying to fool? `.
10. The scary moment when it’s time for your partner to see your boobs! They have only ever seen you in clothes with a maxi bra underneath and his expectations have been deceived. PLEASE DON’T HATE MY SMALL BOOBS!!
11. Wondering if you will be able to breast feed a child…
12. Your mom telling you every year since you were 13 that they will grow when you’re older and every birthday measuring your boobs. Then BOOM, you’re 18 and they still haven’t grown.
13. When your friends with bigger boobs complain about their boobs and tell you you’re so lucky and you just want to cut their boobs off and put them on yours.
14. When you go through the stuffing your bra phase and your chicken fillet falls out and all the boys laugh at you…
But then you realise that even with these problems you’re still fabulous and rock the no boobs look!